The Post - Crescent - Appleton, Wis.

Date: August 7, 2011

Author: Jean Long Manteufel

Dementia. Alzheimer's. Those are some scary words.

I attended the Coping with Challenging Behaviors in Dementia Care program presented by registered nurse Jason Schmitz, owner of Heartwood Homes Senior Living and an expert on dementia care.

Schmitz's first point was that in the early stages of dementia/Alzheimer's, loss of control can be a big concern to your parent. Don't take normal tasks away; keep them involved whenever possible. If there are past-due bills that aren't getting paid, don't take over the job, instead work with Dad. Maybe let him write the checks. You can help by stuffing and mailing the envelopes. Let him still retain some control.

Second, as the disease progresses, Mom/Dad's reality changes. Their past becomes their present. They actually are living in their past. It is their current reality. They've changed how they think so you need to change how you think.

Quit explaining the same thing to your parent over and over again. It causes them unnecessary stress. If you find yourself saying, "Mom, don't you remember, I already told you …?" Stop!

Enter their world, their reality.

This is a new culture for us. We are so accustomed to parenting and correcting errors. Do you tell Dad he is doing something the wrong way? Not in his reality. Instead of correcting the behavior, ask yourself if there is a reason he is doing that, if it's from the reality he is currently in. Change your own approach to make this a win-win situation.

When you visit, develop a so-what attitude. If what they are doing isn't a risk to them or others, so what? If Dad keeps picking up papers and stacking them, so what? Maybe he was an accountant, and it's normal. Don't forget to bring your sense of humor to your visits.

Another of the lessons was that when you do go to visit, remember routine is security. Taking someone out of his or her schedule can be stressful. If you fly into town and have a big day planned of shopping, lunch and casino, you really can upset Mom's routine, which can cause her anxiety. Instead, spend quality time doing activities she enjoys and are at her current ability and interest level. Keep calm and comfortable. Smile.

Further in the progression, you might feel it isn't worth visiting your parent. Two out of three times Mom might get your name wrong. So what? You're still fulfilling her need to have her hand held that day, the human need to be hugged, to talk with someone. Just being there to soothe her is a gift. She still needs human contact in her life. Who better to give it to her than you? She will still pick up on the voice of her children, their touch.

She doesn't need you less, she needs you different.

The Post - Crescent - Appleton, Wis.

Jean Long Manteufel, CEO of Long's Senior Transitions in Appleton, writes a column on the first Sunday of each month about baby boomers, their aging parents and the emotional and physical challenges that need to be addressed.